Sirlaugh’s Blog

March 6, 2009

Hmm… What’s the deal with the Brits ?

Filed under: Uncategorized — sirlaugh @ 2:03 am

Alleged to be genuine complaints to various council offices in Great Britain

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.

It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back
passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night
that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and
now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and
its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round
to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise
made by the man on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC2.


THESE ARE PRICELESS! (Brains of Britain They’re Not)

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman:

What is another name for “Cherry Pickers” and
“Cheese Mongers”?

Contestant:

Homosexuals.

Jeremy Paxman:

No. They are regiments in the British Army who will be
very upset with you


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston:

Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant:

Geography is not my strong point.

Jamie Theakston:

There’s a clue in the title.

Contestant:

Leicester


BBC
NORFOLK

Stewart White:

Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:

I don’t know.

Stewart White:

I’ll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand
and your elbow?

Contestant:

Arm

Stewart White:

Correct And if you’re not weak, you’re…?

Contestant:

Strong.

Stewart White:

Correct – and what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?

Contestant:

Louis

Stewart White:

Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:

Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

Alex Trelinski:

What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant:

France

Trelinski:

France is another country. Try again.

Contestant:

Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski:

Wrong, sorry, let’s try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant:

Sorry, I don’t know.

Trelinski:

Just guess a country then.

Contestant:

Paris

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson:

Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books
about their experiences in what: – Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant:

The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark:

For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis:

I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne:

What was Gandhi’s first name?

Contestant:

Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter:

What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?

Contestant:

I don’t know, I wasn’t watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER )

Phil:

What is 11 squared?

Contestant:

I don’t know.

Phil:

I’ll give you a clue. It’s two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant:

Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:

Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant:

Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:

On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant:

Er. .. .

Richard:

He makes bread . . .

Contestant:

Er . …

Richard:

He makes cakes . . .

Contestant:

Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter:

Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant:

Barcelona

Presenter:

I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant:

I’m sorry, I don’t know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question:

What is the world’s largest continent?

Contestant:

The Pacific.

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter:

Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous
painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant:

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre:

What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant:

Magna Carta?

JAMES O’BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O’Brien:

How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant:

Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth … Er, er …. Three?

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